Homosexuality

I’m a guy and I prefer hanging out with my guy friends. Does this mean I’m gay?
I’m a girl and I’m starting to look at other girls in “that kind of way.” Am I a lesbian?
I’m attracted to guys and girls. Does this mean I’m becoming bisexual?

As a teenager, your body is going through a lot of changes. This is the time when you will start to experience sexual feelings. These feelings may confuse you because they aren’t what you thought they should be. Is it just part of being a teenager and going through puberty, or is it something else?

Below are several questions that were sent to TeenGrowth from teens questioning their sexuality. The information may help you sort through feelings you’re having at this time. If after reading this, you’re still confused try talking to a trusted adult about what you are feeling.

What exactly is a homosexual?
Homosexuality is one form of "sexual orientation." Sexual orientation refers to the people you feel sexually attracted to – the people you have sexual dreams about or fantasize about. Heterosexuals are attracted to people of the opposite sex. Homosexuals are attracted to people of the same sex. Bisexuals feel attracted to people of both sexes.

As all of us grow up, we establish a sense of our own sexual identity or sexual orientation. Many homosexuals today prefer to use the terms gay (for men who live with same-sex attractions) and lesbian (for women with same-sex attractions.) Likewise, heterosexuals are often called straight.

I’m confused by all my sexual feelings. When do you really know if you’re homosexual?
The knowledge develops gradually over time. Many professionals find it helpful to think in terms of four stages in the formation of homosexual identity described by a researcher named Troiden.

The first stage is sensitization, which often begins in childhood. It is a vague feeling of being different from other boys and girls.

The second stage is identity confusion that often starts during adolescence. It’s the growing awareness of feeling attracted to others of the same sex, and wondering if you might be homosexual.

The third stage is identity assumption, when homosexual identity is established and explored. This is usually in the late teens and early twenties.

The final stage is commitment, when homosexuality is accepted as an essential and permanent part of your identity, and disclosed to others ("coming out").

What makes someone turn into a homosexual?
Actually, you don’t "turn into" a homosexual. You’re pretty much born that way.

We don’t really know what causes homosexuality. The best current information suggests that it is a combination of genetic, biologic, social and emotional factors. We do know that a person’s sexual orientation is probably already established by birth or very early childhood. We also know that sexual orientation is not really a choice. That is, people don’t choose to be homosexual any more than they choose to be heterosexual. Instead your sexual identity is something that is deep inside you and unlikely to change. Homosexuality has existed in almost all societies throughout recorded history. Most surveys suggest that about 10 percent of people have had homosexual feelings or experiences. About 4 percent of adult men and 2 percent of adult women are exclusively homosexual in their behavior and fantasies.

I'm very concerned that I might be gay. I'm 15, and lately I've been more attracted to other guys than girls. Does this mean I'm gay? If so, what could I do to change myself? Or, who can I talk to? My family hates homosexuals.
Sexuality is often frightening and confusing, especially when it involves sorting out your sexual orientation – being attracted to opposite, same or both sexes. Being attracted to guys doesn’t necessarily mean you're gay. Lots of things change during adolescence and it’s not uncommon for guys to feel closer to other guys until they become more comfortable with girls. Much depends on what you mean by "attraction." If your attraction involves lots sexual feelings toward guys, then you might be gay. Most gay and lesbian people tell us they have felt attracted and closer to their own sex for long periods, even before they identified themselves as gay or lesbian. We agree that you need someone to talk with. Unfortunately, your family’s reaction (at least for now) is pretty common. Sometimes, the feelings are so confusing that it’s even hard for you to start talking with someone, so getting a little more information can be helpful.

Remember, your sexual orientation is part of who you are, and no amount of denial or pretending can make you different than who you are. Homosexuality is not a disease. There is no need to try to “cure” it. However, counseling may be helpful for young people who are uncertain about their sexuality or confused about how to express it. Good counselors can help people learn self-acceptance and deal with feelings of guilt or anxiety. Our society still has lots of negative attitudes about homosexuals ("homophobia"), and the prejudice and hostility can cause gay and lesbian youth considerable emotional trauma, leading to depression and even suicide. So seeking professional help (from a doctor, school counselor or trusted clergy person for instance) may be very useful. Good support from family and friends can also make a world of difference.

I’ve dated a lot of girls the past year but I just prefer being around my guy friends. Does this mean I’m queer (gay)?
No, it may just mean that you’re not feeling ready for a serious relationship with a girlfriend. Lots of straight guys prefer hanging out with their buddies rather than deal with the emotional roller coaster called dating. The fact that you’ve already dated lots of girls suggests that is where your romantic interest is directed, especially if you found yourself thinking about them in sexual ways.

If you really are gay (or queer as you call it), then you’ll come to know that over time. You’ll feel strong sexual attractions to other males, over long periods of time, and you’ll know it’s more than just a desire to be with friends.

I’m a 13-year-old male. My best friend is 13 years old and male. When we were about 9, we built a fort and ended up naked together. We actually looked at each other’s penis (mine has foreskin, his doesn't) and played games like check-up. Could we be gay for playing these games, being erect and having fun?
You might be reassured to know that the great majority of heterosexual adult men can recall very similar experiences when they were young. “Playing doctor” and examining each other’s genitals is so common among children that it is considered normal behavior. Sex play among heterosexual pre-teen and early-teenage boys is also very common, as a way of exploring the tremendous surge in sexual interest and curiosity, prior to initiating overtures to girls. So no, your experience when you were 9 with your best friend in the fort does not mean you are gay.

Since same-gender sex play is so common in children, youth who will later identify themselves as homosexual will also have similar experiences, so this doesn’t mean you aren’t gay either. Sexual orientation is determined very early in life, but the process of understanding ones sexuality unfolds over time. You will come to know if you are gay depending on whom you feel sexually attracted to as a young adult, and whom you consistently fantasize and dream about sexually.

At age 13, sexual feelings can be extremely confusing. Relax and give yourself time. Your true sexual preferences will become clear to you eventually.