'LADLAD': ANTHOLOGY OF PHILIPPINE GAY WRITING

My life used to be very quiet. I taught Creative Writing in school, wrote book reviews for a newspaper, went home to my parents’ house in the suburbs.

Then one fine day, Neil Garcia and I edited Ladlad: An Anthology of Philippine Gay Writing. I got interviewed on television and talked on the radio about gay stereotypes ("orange hair and fishnet stockings") and gay rights ("not special rights, but equal rights"). From reviews on books, I was asked to write reportage and commentary on gay life, which I collected and published in several books of essays.

Ladlad has literally traveled around the globe. It was nominated for a Best Anthology Award by the International Lesbian and Gay Association based in New York. It has been taught in schools ranging from De La Salle University on Taft Avenue to the University of Berkeley in California. Why, it has even been quoted in gay beauty contests in Baclaran and in Naga City. That, for me, throws more weight than the approval of academia.

Once, when I was on a Fulbright grant to the States, I was walking in West Hollywood when I saw the two Ladlad books, selling for $25 each at A Different Light Bookstore. Their New York branch also sold the books, at the same price. When I entered the New York branch, the cheerful sales clerk asked me if I wanted an Asian gay book and immediately recommended Ladlad. I just smiled at him, and then thought I should have brought 10 copies and sold them those copies. In Manila, the books are selling for the equivalent of $3.50.

First it was the messages on the pager, then the messages on the cell phone, and later, the messages on the Internet. Some of them are happy messages, full of good news, congratulations, and all. "How brave of you to speak for us," they would say. I would just answer, "Not really brave, but foolish. Because of this, I’ve lost many job opportunities in Makati, where the pay is sky-high and homophobia reigns. But that, in the end, does not matter at all."

Others are distressing, talking about failed relationships and how difficult it is to find "your true love." Of course it is. A few of the queries are truly, madly, and deeply hilarious. Where can I find rent boys in Baguio? Where can I have a Caucasian boyfriend in Cebu? Can I have an eyeball with you? Since I am not running a dating service, I just use the almighty "delete" button, and off they go to the void of cyberspace.

The rest of the encounters are personal. It is good that I have a father who was in the military and I grew up in the military base. Taught to have a poker face and trained to have nerves of steel, I know how to deal with them. Once, in a party, one obviously drunken fellow began to sit beside me and asked me if I was who I was. I said "yes," and then he began to do magic with his fingers on the buttons of my blue shirt. I gave him an aikido lock that made his face wince.

But the worst instances are during book launchings. I was launching Buhay Bading: Mga Sanaysay at Powerbooks in SM Megamall last year when one fellow stood up. He asked me a series of questions, punctuated with diabolical laughter (the one you hear in Tagalog horror movies). But I just answered him as if he were one of my pesky, bratty college students.

I had already been alerted by a Lunduyan (our gay group) member about him, so I already knew what to do. Then, he walked over and stood in front of the tarpaulin that featured the cover of my book. To everyone’s surprise, he began to caress the tarpaulin up and down with his right hand. I took a swift look at him, but I just continued reading. The fellow was obviously high on shabu – he kept on licking his very dry lips and later tried to start a conversation with my friend Ambeth Ocampo, who fled to the safety of the buffet table. He also tried to converse with the daughter of Anvil’s marketing manager. By that time, the efficient security of Powerbooks had already been alerted. The lady guard who was a six-foot-tall Amazon, along with the head of security who looked like a gentle bulldog and the Lunduyan member who was a third-dan aikido master and a crack shooter had already formed a triad around him. For my money, it was a security as solid as you could find anywhere.

In another book launching two weeks ago for Afraid: The Best Philippine Ghost Stories, a fellow arrived way ahead of everybody. His eyes round like marbles kept on shifting from side to side. He was restless and moved about. I had been apprised about him, so I just went ahead and read excerpts from the book. Maybe, I cracked, he was a ghost joining us in the Halloween launching of my book?

Some friends ask me if I am afraid and I answer, "Of what?" This is a public life with its perks (free books, sometimes free food) and consequences (maybe stalkers). Aside from writing gay books, my attention has shifted to the writing, editing, and publishing of books that many people would read.

Thus, I am translating my essays into Filipino and selling them in inexpensive newsprint editions. I have compiled my love poems in English and Filipino and called them Pulotgata (honeymoon). I am compiling a series of books on ghost stories, the prose polished yet accessible to the "common reader," who for me is a 16-year-old Filipino. I am compiling a series of love stories with the same format and target market in mind. I am writing a series of textbooks on Literature for high-school students.

Moreover, I have been asked to write a novel for young readers. It is about a male high-school student filled with angst and in love with games and a girl, in equal measure. Our marketing manager told me it has to be "the Philippine equivalent of Catcher in the Rye, set in 2005 and filled with toys, gadgets, and games." Okay. So in the last fortnight, I’ve been a denizen of those noisy Internet cafes full of kids, doing my research with the help of my nephew. Now, I can play Diablo 2 (like Encantadia, but more violent) and Red Alert (like the Gulf War, but faster) and will soon shift to other games. He has changed my screensaver from the English Stonehenge to Ragnarok’s War of the Emperium. I don’t know what will happen to my eyes, not to mention my eardrums, but hey, I’m going to write that fictional book.

"To remember and to sing," as the late, much-lamented National Artist Nick Joaquin puts it. But also to write books that talk to a new generation of readers, whose English is neither King’s nor Queen’s nor Yankee-Doodle-Do, but "Filipino English" on the wing. Suffering the kakulitan of fans and the antics of "stalkers" should be the least of my worries. Writing well is already hard enough, di ba?

I love you, straight friend

Here’s another true-to-life story I read in a forum. So heart-wrenching. Another gay man falling in love with a straight guy. The thing with this story is, the straight guy apparently loved the gay man back. Thanks to Bucky23 (in the pic above) for the story.

- o -

Way back in college, ka-group ko siya sa subject namin na Systems Analysis and Design. Yes I do admit that I’m attracted to him since he’s the one of the lesser few sa school na drop-dead gorgeous. We were four in the group na all-male, ako ang leader, I do the technical stuff as in magbaklas ng PC, mag-construct ng software, basta halos lahat ng technical ako gumagawa. Siya naman, tinuturuan ko. Lahat ng alam ko itinuturo ko sa kanya. During that time, wala akong inaaksayang panahon sa pag-aaral ng bagong technology because I hated my ex-girlfriend so much dahil pinalaglag niya anak namin, parang deviation ko ang pag-aaral that time. Siya naman nun, meron girlfriend, after a year they broke up. Sobrang bait nitong guy na sinasabi ko, madalas noon walang wala ako siya sumasagot ng lahat kahit pati pamasahe ko. Sinasabi ko nga “diyahe naman pare pati pamasahe ko sagot mo pa”. He just replies back with a smile at sinasabi “ok lang yan.” We seldom talk talaga. Tahimik kasi kami pareho.

I didn’t notice that time passes by so quickly na isang taon na rin pala kami magkakilala, parati kami magkasama sa lahat ng lakad sa school, madalas kami uminom at mag-videoke with the other two sa group kapag may overnight sa bahay nila. Kilala na ako ng pamilya niya, at yung nanay niya gusto talaga ako kasi nga daw naiiwas sa masamang bisyo ang anak niya. He even liked me more kapag kumakanta ako…honestly, yes I do sing well, kaya siguro nagustuhan niya ako mahilig kasi siya sa mga songs eh, nasabi ko na nagustuhan niya because while I’m singing, he looks straight at me in the eyes — hindi man lang kumukurap.

Yung isa ko namang bestfriend na straight, began to notice na close kami nitong sinasabi ko. Nagduda pa sya na may relasyon kami, one time kasi nagkasakit ako, dinalhan niya ako ng donuts. I remember pa dati, I bought coke na malamig eh madalas ako magkasakit sa tonsils, pinalitan niya ng hindi malamig…nagtabi pala siya sa bag niya. Sobrang sweet niya kaya unti unti nahuhulog ang loob ko sa kanya.. it was different…God I swear the feeling was so different…like there are butterflies in your stomach. Still I can’t entertain the fact that I’m falling in love with a guy…

One night, sa overnight namin, kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama..nagkatamaran, uminom, nag-videoke, nagkalasingan. Shared the same bed. mga 3am na yata we both woke up na magkaharap pala kami facing each other’s faces at nakayakap pala ako sa kanya. Sh!t talaga, that was my most memorable night, it was so embarassing yet so exciting. I tried to kiss him, he resisted a little pero dumating rin sa punto na gumaganti na rin siya. We kissed till the morning light. After this incident, nasundan pa ng maraming beses, at may aktwal na sexual activity which I will not mention here because I thnk that would be too much sana maintindihan ng iba dito.

So nanatili ang “sekreto” namin for 3 years, hindi namin pinagusapan na kami or whatever…just enjoyed every moment that were together. we never exchanged “I love you”s neither. Until one day her gf got pregnant and he has to take responsibility by marrying the girl. The night before his wedding, he called me up, inuman daw, sabi ko okay pupunta ako. But I never went to him para makipaginuman. So he called me sa cell, and it was the most disastrous phone conversation I ever had. I said “You have wife and kids, i don’t want to meddle with your family affairs, just let us be like this na lang. I’ll be ok dont worry about me.” He asked “Paano tayo?” And I answered back “Wala namang ‘tayo’ eh. Wala tayong pinag-usapang ganyan. Malinaw na dapat magkanya-kanya na tayo.” Dun nag-end ang usapan namin. Ang ikli lang ng paguusap namin pero parang ang tagal….i can’t describe it guys…i was so torn apart pero hnd tumulo ang luha ko kahit isang patak. During his wedding I was lying on the floor and keep on cursing him and myself, while punching the glass door sa opisina namin (stay in ako noon sa opisina kasi may kuwarto ako sarili dun eh). I dont know how much tears I’ve spent for him because of rage, despair, frustration, pati panghihinayang na kaya pa namin ituloy kung tutuusin…pero ayoko lang because of my pride, because I’M A MAN because of fear! I quit school after this incident, for eight months, I was single, and focused on work. I am extremely devastated, I felt betrayed by my own self, i felt like a hypocrite.

So you can understand siguro if I cry over some movie like Brokeback Mountain. One of my bi friends find it silly kasi ng sinabi ko sa kanya na umiyak ako because of that movie. One thing that hurted me most sa movie kasi is, until the very end..they never got the chance to say “I love you”…

Can a gay man and a straight man be friends?

On Amazon.com I found an exciting new novel. G. Roger Denson's VOICE OF FORCE. In essence it asks the simple questions: Has increased awareness of sexuality and difference truly helped us live more harmonious lives? Or has it merely compelled people to mask the prejudice they inherit from traditions and institutions beneath a civilized veneer?

Increasing tolerance may have softened the fault lines of social prejudice, but Denson suggests that when a public tragedy draws out the voices of discontent, we learn just how deeply homophobia still shapes and enforces everyday life in even the most liberal of enclaves.

In chronicling the alleged murder of the famously straight opera tenor Cosimo Fratangelo by the openly gay newspaper critic Ragland Hughes, the author leads us through an investigation and media melee that not only brings to light the forces keeping a gay man and a straight man from enjoying friendship, they brand Hughes as a predator of heterosexual men. VOICE OF FORCE is part thwarted love story, part cautionary tale, part postmodern socio-political satire. While flirting with our contemporary fixation on crime dramas, soap operas, and celebrity scandals, the novel penetrates deep beneath such genres to trace the fault lines of a relationship cutting against conventions, identities and institutions defining who we believe ourselves to be.

In tracing the characters’ mind swing between depravity and mysticism, author G. Roger Denson abandons the novelist’s godlike prerogative of “seeing all.” In its place we find files from the Manhattan District Attorney’s archive that allow us to peruse the multiple voices having their say in the two men’s lives. In its overarching scope. VOICE OF FORCE is as much a story about the voices eager to proclaim guilt and innocence as it is a reflection on how an individual is judged according to the resistance he puts up to the forces bearing down on his life. As the promotional copy on the back of the novel proclaims: “A murder has been committed, but the judgment lies in deciding what the true crime is and how long it’s been in the making. “

Check the book out (you can read the first few pages) at:

http://www.amazon.com/Voice-Force-G-Roger-Denson/dp/1448661692/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1258405982&sr=1-1

Here are some excerpts from VOICE OF FORCE that I found engrossing:

I realized as we talked that Cosimo’s disarming sweetness was in fact a multi-layered mannerism, one he must have cultivated over years of study (not with any teacher, but intuitively from the time he was a child). As he became more disarming, he operated at an ever-deepening level of unconscious persuasion, lulling me like a drug, freeing me of the defensive and incredulous mind I usually inhabit. Then, as I felt that impulse that always creeps up when I’m with compelling straight men (he showed interest in more than a few of the women nearby), I told myself I couldn’t dwell on it for an instant. I would not let the past repeat itself. Instead, I buried all desire, losing myself in Cosimo’s broken English—which, with some wine, became even more pleasingly cadenced, even songlike.

When I could finally look his way, I knew instantly that Cosimo had never healed from the wound inflicted by this confrontation of sea, sky, and shore, and I could see from his face and the way his hands gripped the rail that its full meaning was resurrecting in his mind with all its primal force. He became visibly exuberant in reuniting with the huge, ambient essence that had fashioned him, and I realized that his sea, and his sea alone, must seem exactly as it did when he was a boy. Now I know what I hear in his great voice is the sea itself surging forward in all its grandeur, and how could it be otherwise? How else could he embrace the gaping expanse before us? How else could he be heard over the roar of this surf but by forging a voice of resounding bronze?

How can anyone who spent his adult life in the business of opera think for a moment that a singer onstage could be singing to him? Yet the opposite question was now posed to me—how could Cosimo not be singing to me alone—this question seemed for once the less absurd. Aren’t I the man who made Cosimo love another man? Who makes him, even in his atheism, wrestle with the mythology of Catholic sin. Isn’t that why I saw him up there, before everyone, indicting me for having cost him all? No. It’s just a performance. That’s what he excels at—not honest displays. That’s why he can get his charge across to me in the middle of such a devastating scene. And yet why do I, who never believed in damnation, let alone a power that can damn, why have I become so willing to receive his incrimination? No, this is more than a performance. Art alone doesn’t change minds or hearts like this.

Between waking and sleeping on the train I saw a door to my past open. Suddenly I found myself peering at the face of the man I had not seen in a decade, a face I had at one time feared and revered. I must have gone into shock. I don’t think I was asleep. I remember only emerging from a vacancy when I saw Cosimo staring at me from Ethan’s place—the seat across the aisle, indicting me as only he can. “You look like you wish someone dead.” Even when I remain silent Cosimo knows what I think. But even more perplexing is what I next blurted out. For they were words that never before had conscious thoughts affixed to them. “He is already dead. And though it is many years after it happened, I still hate him. There’s no reason I should hate him anymore. He died quite violently. Drowned, actually. You would think his misfortune would have lessened my hate, if not dissipated it completely.” “So, you wished him to die.” “What?” I said. “Wished it?” “And you hated him so much you wished him to die violently.” He was inside me now. Cosimo had reached my dark core. “What?! No!” “You did. That is why you still hate him. Because he made you hate yourself for wishing it while he was still alive.” Just like that he said it all, leaving me nothing more to discover or admit. And all I could do was look out my window at the passing scenery.

“When he first came to me to compose the music for Cain and Abel, Ragland said, “Gabriel, compose music that shows the beauty of the first brothers. But you must also compose it to show their ugliness, their humanity. Compose music that shows the intensity and complexity of the first brothers’ love, but also the fear and rivalry that love instilled in them. Perhaps I should tell you. In his libretto, Cain not only kills Abel. He rapes him.”

“In today’s world a gay man and a straight man should be able to become steadfast partners and friends. Right? And when their international success is trumpeted around the world, they’ve proven that the sexuality that interminably threatens to separate them can be made to lie forever dormant. Right?”

“Two men … different desires … Do you see what awaits this kind of friendship?”

“Ragland Hughes was declared guilty today of first-degree murder in the death of opera tenor Cosimo Fratangelo, as well as for the rape of the singer three years earlier. Although the case was based solely on circumstantial evidence, a diary and two literary works Hughes had written—a short story and an opera libretto—the prosecution managed to convince the eight-man, four-woman jury that Hughes meticulously planned to kill the singer with whom he had become sexually obsessed.”

“Give me some credit, Ragland. There was a lot I didn’t tell them. A lot that could be misconstrued. I could have told them about that damn club you once belonged to. Oh … you think it was a perfectly respectable organization … but under the circumstances… The prosecutor? The jury? Would they think it? Its name alone…‘Buddies!’ Really, Ragland. A bunch of predatory faggots who get together to voice their obsessive lust for straight men? Oh … we had this conversation before, didn’t we. I was defending myself when you accused me … I said, ‘I don’t hate straight men.’ And you said, ‘You just hate it when gay men love them.’”

“Those women … they were prostitutes. Cosimo hired prostitutes just to torture his sister … prancing them around in front of her. At least they were fully clothed ... or I should say … clothed as fully as he cared for them to be. But I know he never slept with them … never went near them when his sister wasn’t around. I know this because of how old they were. I mean … well … they weren’t girls anymore. Cosimo really loved girls. Young girls. I often wondered if that wasn’t because of his sister somehow.”

“You’re comparing me to that old bitch? Cosimo wanted Estelle to think he was gay so he wouldn’t have to sleep with her. He pretended with me because he thought it would help him get me in bed.”

“You’re saying Hughes got reeled in because he mistook Fratangelo’s addiction for love?”

“I know so many women who’ve made the same mistake: they fall in love with junkies because they’re warm … physical … there’s a glow about them … they’re a delight to be around … as long as they’re using. But as soon as the junk has dried up in their veins … they become monsters.”

“Cosimo certainly wasn’t interested in their love. When you love someone, you give away your power. Cosimo was always the one who held dominion over his lovers’ souls. What does that tell you about how he loved? It tells me that the power of instilling love is God’s honey for artists. The artist who can make the rich and powerful fall in love with him will always enjoy his breakfast. Cosimo, of course, would never fall in love with any of them. He was not attached; they were. He could pull out of the game at any time without losing; they could not.”

“Rags, you know as well as we do. Consumers … they’re driven by unconscious needs and desires … unconscious associations with products, brands, celebrities. But Cosimo … he was breaking code. You seriously don’t think we should have let the world know what was going on between you. The way we were marketing Cosimo … we were fulfilling a need. That’s all. It was nothing against you. We’re not homophobes. But … we could have lost our pants with all those rumors. Cosimo had everything else going for him. He just had to be brought up to code.”

“We were going to lose the chance of a lifetime, Rags. All the free publicity from the news of his disappearance … then his death ... your arrest … the trial. We had to take a gamble. That’s why we released the three recordings during and after your trial … all music the public has never heard. Surely you’re not upset that we timed their release. It was your killing him … you raised him to the level of myth. He’s above the gutter talk now. And he’ll stay there. Yes … it’s profitable losing an artist so young, so beloved, yet so prolifically recorded. But one beset by those kind of rumors? If he were alive today … he might not sell a single record … not given all that came out about the two of you at the trial.”

“Stop this American fixation with sex or I’ll scream. I’m not speaking of sex; I’m speaking of love. What does anyone get from sex but children and disease? I assure you, if you start thinking about love as opposed to sex, it will all become clear to you. That’s why Mr. Hughes finally won out. That and the fact that in his love he wanted to remake my fiancé precisely according to the mythology with which my fiancé wanted to remake himself.”

“I was prepared for this silence of yours. I have seen it with condemned men before. I could interpret a silence like yours to be pregnant with conceit: A man gloating in the power he has over those who remain obsessed with his guilt … his power over a silly priest clamoring for a confession in the name of a God he does not believe in. No … you do not seem to me to be a conceited man. I can see Our Lord in you too clearly. He too was silent in the days of his persecution.”

“Procreation is no trick, Mr. Hughes. It is a creative force. Those who bring life into the world are vital…” “And those who secure life’s essential balance ... they are crucial.” “How do homosexuals secure the species, Mr. Hughes. I mean as sexual beings?” “We preserve the species. We are conservation realized. We provide nature’s … restraint on … your sexual … your procreative extravagance. We keep your production from becoming … overproduction … pollution … destruction … unbridled. We keep you from becoming an obscene cosmic joke.”

“I think he killed because of a confession made before a friend his own age, a sixteen-year old friend who hated queers … a friend who told him he would go to hell if he didn’t stop Marco. Isn’t that why you’re so determined to get my execution stayed? Isn’t that maybe even why you took a vow of poverty and obedience? Why you became a priest? Because he took your boyish, your hateful, admonishment, he took it a little too literally all those years ago, took it with him as a weapon with which to kill. You did fail him … you do harbor guilt … great guilt. And now, here with me, you want to make up for your blunder, your hatred of a queer all those years ago by showing forgiveness to another queer now.”

“Cosimo was to then learn why there is so much hate in the world. How else is it we are able to move on this earth with so much love weighing us down? Love is too filling for life. It stops us from doing everything we need to do to survive ... to evolve. We must learn to hate just so we can move even a little bit. So we can achieve. So we can live. As he realized this, Cosimo also understood that even his fear had a purpose.”

“I read that story you wrote, Rags. I know that because your stalker is obsessed with beauty … he can’t see the ugliness he is creating to possess it. And because your Cain is blinded by the tradition and ritual that’s been handed him … he can’t see the beauty of the things outside them. You were trying to tell us … you showed us that whatever goodness and beauty come with civilization … they must proceed from the remains of its crimes as much as from its virtues ... that both grow out of our blindness to them. That’s why the beautiful and the ugly … the good and the evil … that’s why they coexist. And in turn … that’s why we don’t know where to begin looking for truth and beauty. They are always transforming … without our notice.”

http://www.amazon.com/Voice-Force-G-Roger-Denson/dp/1448661692/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&

Homosexuality

I’m a guy and I prefer hanging out with my guy friends. Does this mean I’m gay?
I’m a girl and I’m starting to look at other girls in “that kind of way.” Am I a lesbian?
I’m attracted to guys and girls. Does this mean I’m becoming bisexual?

As a teenager, your body is going through a lot of changes. This is the time when you will start to experience sexual feelings. These feelings may confuse you because they aren’t what you thought they should be. Is it just part of being a teenager and going through puberty, or is it something else?

Below are several questions that were sent to TeenGrowth from teens questioning their sexuality. The information may help you sort through feelings you’re having at this time. If after reading this, you’re still confused try talking to a trusted adult about what you are feeling.

What exactly is a homosexual?
Homosexuality is one form of "sexual orientation." Sexual orientation refers to the people you feel sexually attracted to – the people you have sexual dreams about or fantasize about. Heterosexuals are attracted to people of the opposite sex. Homosexuals are attracted to people of the same sex. Bisexuals feel attracted to people of both sexes.

As all of us grow up, we establish a sense of our own sexual identity or sexual orientation. Many homosexuals today prefer to use the terms gay (for men who live with same-sex attractions) and lesbian (for women with same-sex attractions.) Likewise, heterosexuals are often called straight.

I’m confused by all my sexual feelings. When do you really know if you’re homosexual?
The knowledge develops gradually over time. Many professionals find it helpful to think in terms of four stages in the formation of homosexual identity described by a researcher named Troiden.

The first stage is sensitization, which often begins in childhood. It is a vague feeling of being different from other boys and girls.

The second stage is identity confusion that often starts during adolescence. It’s the growing awareness of feeling attracted to others of the same sex, and wondering if you might be homosexual.

The third stage is identity assumption, when homosexual identity is established and explored. This is usually in the late teens and early twenties.

The final stage is commitment, when homosexuality is accepted as an essential and permanent part of your identity, and disclosed to others ("coming out").

What makes someone turn into a homosexual?
Actually, you don’t "turn into" a homosexual. You’re pretty much born that way.

We don’t really know what causes homosexuality. The best current information suggests that it is a combination of genetic, biologic, social and emotional factors. We do know that a person’s sexual orientation is probably already established by birth or very early childhood. We also know that sexual orientation is not really a choice. That is, people don’t choose to be homosexual any more than they choose to be heterosexual. Instead your sexual identity is something that is deep inside you and unlikely to change. Homosexuality has existed in almost all societies throughout recorded history. Most surveys suggest that about 10 percent of people have had homosexual feelings or experiences. About 4 percent of adult men and 2 percent of adult women are exclusively homosexual in their behavior and fantasies.

I'm very concerned that I might be gay. I'm 15, and lately I've been more attracted to other guys than girls. Does this mean I'm gay? If so, what could I do to change myself? Or, who can I talk to? My family hates homosexuals.
Sexuality is often frightening and confusing, especially when it involves sorting out your sexual orientation – being attracted to opposite, same or both sexes. Being attracted to guys doesn’t necessarily mean you're gay. Lots of things change during adolescence and it’s not uncommon for guys to feel closer to other guys until they become more comfortable with girls. Much depends on what you mean by "attraction." If your attraction involves lots sexual feelings toward guys, then you might be gay. Most gay and lesbian people tell us they have felt attracted and closer to their own sex for long periods, even before they identified themselves as gay or lesbian. We agree that you need someone to talk with. Unfortunately, your family’s reaction (at least for now) is pretty common. Sometimes, the feelings are so confusing that it’s even hard for you to start talking with someone, so getting a little more information can be helpful.

Remember, your sexual orientation is part of who you are, and no amount of denial or pretending can make you different than who you are. Homosexuality is not a disease. There is no need to try to “cure” it. However, counseling may be helpful for young people who are uncertain about their sexuality or confused about how to express it. Good counselors can help people learn self-acceptance and deal with feelings of guilt or anxiety. Our society still has lots of negative attitudes about homosexuals ("homophobia"), and the prejudice and hostility can cause gay and lesbian youth considerable emotional trauma, leading to depression and even suicide. So seeking professional help (from a doctor, school counselor or trusted clergy person for instance) may be very useful. Good support from family and friends can also make a world of difference.

I’ve dated a lot of girls the past year but I just prefer being around my guy friends. Does this mean I’m queer (gay)?
No, it may just mean that you’re not feeling ready for a serious relationship with a girlfriend. Lots of straight guys prefer hanging out with their buddies rather than deal with the emotional roller coaster called dating. The fact that you’ve already dated lots of girls suggests that is where your romantic interest is directed, especially if you found yourself thinking about them in sexual ways.

If you really are gay (or queer as you call it), then you’ll come to know that over time. You’ll feel strong sexual attractions to other males, over long periods of time, and you’ll know it’s more than just a desire to be with friends.

I’m a 13-year-old male. My best friend is 13 years old and male. When we were about 9, we built a fort and ended up naked together. We actually looked at each other’s penis (mine has foreskin, his doesn't) and played games like check-up. Could we be gay for playing these games, being erect and having fun?
You might be reassured to know that the great majority of heterosexual adult men can recall very similar experiences when they were young. “Playing doctor” and examining each other’s genitals is so common among children that it is considered normal behavior. Sex play among heterosexual pre-teen and early-teenage boys is also very common, as a way of exploring the tremendous surge in sexual interest and curiosity, prior to initiating overtures to girls. So no, your experience when you were 9 with your best friend in the fort does not mean you are gay.

Since same-gender sex play is so common in children, youth who will later identify themselves as homosexual will also have similar experiences, so this doesn’t mean you aren’t gay either. Sexual orientation is determined very early in life, but the process of understanding ones sexuality unfolds over time. You will come to know if you are gay depending on whom you feel sexually attracted to as a young adult, and whom you consistently fantasize and dream about sexually.

At age 13, sexual feelings can be extremely confusing. Relax and give yourself time. Your true sexual preferences will become clear to you eventually.

"So am I gay? . . .Or not?"

“You've probably been brought up thinking that everyone, including yourself, is straight.” - Phil

“Being gay is something you might discover about yourself as you grow up - it's unlikely to be a sudden feeling.” - Andy

“Working out you are gay will probably take a long time, and may involve very difficult feelings.” - Howard

“I guess from a young age I knew I was different from the other guys.” - Steven

“...And wishing that you could be the same as everyone else.” - John

“And you'll probably discover that many people don't seem to like people who are gay, so it can be very difficult to like yourself if you think you might be gay.” - Tim

We've all experienced many of these feelings. It hasn't been easy, but it does get better.

The information here is put together from the words of some young gay men who have agreed to share their stories. Hopefully, what they say here can help you if you're wondering whether you're gay or not, and help you to deal with your feelings if you decide that you are. We also hope that their words will give everyone else who reads them a better idea of what it feels like to be a young gay man.

Loads of people will be attracted to someone of the same gender at some time in their lives. Some people might act on this, some people don't even admit it. But it's a very common thing - so don't worry, you're not alone!

“I always thought I was the only one who felt like this.” - Martin

“I felt there was no one who understood, and that I would just keep it to myself.” - Dave

"What does it mean to be gay?"

A man who identifies himself as gay is usually someone who only fancies other men. Some guys will be attracted to other men and be attracted to women - many of these men see themselves as bisexual.

There isn't any 'right' age for someone to decide or realise that they're gay or bisexual - for some people it's much later than for others. So there's no need to label yourself right away, and it's okay to change your mind!

“I was married for 30 years before I came to realise that I was gay.” - Joel

“I'm 18 and I have always known that I am gay since I was 13” - Gary

“Well I have known since I was 6 that I was gay, all the way through primary school and especially secondary school” - Chris

"But I'm not sure - how do I know?"

Being a teen can be a really confusing time for all sorts of reasons. You start thinking you've coped with puberty - and then all of a sudden, you get these new feelings. You start wondering - could I be gay?

There isn't a questionnaire you can fill in or a test to take! While your sexuality is developing, many teens will become attracted to someone of the same gender - it doesn't mean that you'll always be attracted to people of that gender. Some people can be quite old before they have their first same-sex attraction. For some people, the only way to know for sure is to wait and see. Other people seem to have known they were gay since they were really young - everyone's different.

“For many people who were brought up thinking they were straight, it can come as quite a surprise to realise that they're attracted to people of the same gender.”

“I have always known I was attracted to boys. I didn't quite know what it was, or that it wasn't something most boys did. But I always knew. I can remember back to 1st grade playing 'kiss chase' with the girls. Yet I was chasing WITH the girls after the boys.” - Cody

For many people who were brought up thinking they were straight, it can come as quite a surprise to realise that they're attracted to people of the same gender. Sometimes something might happen to make you suddenly aware of these feelings - or you might have become aware of them slowly, over a long time.

It can sometimes seem like there's just too much to deal with - but don't worry, you don't have to make any decisions right now, and feelings often make more sense after some time has passed.

"Is it just a phase. . . ?"

This can be the reaction of some people who might not want to accept how you feel. While it's true that some teens might have same-sex feelings for a while, and then stop having them - for other teens it's not a 'phase' at all, but an important part of your life.

“My therapist also told me that I wasn't gay. It was the drugs, the new freedom, me not partying enough in high school” - Joel

“All the way through primary school and especially secondary school I knew although at first I was sure it was all a phase and that I would eventually meet a girl and my life would go 'normal' that wasn't the case, now I'm proud to be gay, it's part of who I am,” - Chris

“It was pretty obvious by 6th grade that my 'I am curious and this is only a phase' excuse was obsolete, so I decided to consider myself a bisexual, an orientation that still left some hope of marrying a girl and having a family like 'everyone else.' Having low expectations on the romantic theatre by my peers (I am a nerd) helped a lot, and gave me breathing space for my exploration of the 'homosexual taboo' online before I finally accepted the reality: I was gay.” - Christian

"But I just wanna be normal!"

Well, that's normal! Everyone wants to fit in - but really, everyone's different anyway. There're loads of gay people - and now there are gay people on television, in music, in the media and in every country. Being gay is 'normal' - even though it might seem like you don't know any other gay people at the moment.

“That's what you're supposed to do, I thought, find a nice girl, settle down, have kids, retire and die. It was all I'd ever wanted since being a little'n. To be 'normal'.” - Pete

“I would like to suggest to anyone, the feeling never goes away that being gay IS normal and it allows for a fulfilled life and a new found self pride that you don't have to hide and pretend to be something you aren't.” - David

“When I was a kid I would occasionally try and will myself into being straight. I know now that it is impossible and I don't want to anymore. Even as a child I saw that there was benefits to being gay. I know this may sound wierd to some of you but I always knew it would help me see the world in a better way. By better I mean without crude judgment of people. By being oppressed yourself you are less likely to do the same to others.” - Roger

"Was I born gay?"

This is a question that's been asked for years and years - and it's still being asked now. No-one knows what makes someone gay. Some people (like some religious groups) say that being gay is a choice, and that you can decide whether you want to be gay, bi or straight. Most gay people would disagree with this, and say that they've always been gay.

“I didn't have a bad childhood, so I do believe that I was born with my homosexuality, and I'm fine with that!” - Jason

Some people suggest that people 'become' gay as a result of something to do with the way they were brought up, or because of something that happened in their childhood. This is also something that parents of gay people seem to worry about.

“You see, as a father he felt as if it was something he did or didn't do. Not realizing it was a personal characteristic I was born with and there wasn't anything that he or I could do about it. Other than accept the truth and deal with the fact that his son was gay.” - Javier

Other people say that no-one can choose their sexuality, and that whether people are attracted to someone of the same gender is genetic - that they inherited being gay, that they were made that way.

“Because my brother is gay I think there must be something linked, genetically somewhere...” - Michael

Generally, though, most people agree that, whatever is responsible for making someone gay, bi or straight - that's just the way they are.

“Being gay is not a decision, like I said. It is a way of life. It is same way straight people are born straight. Now there are some people, guys and girls, who just jump up and decide to have sex with the same sex and the opposite sex, just for fun. But being truly gay isn't like that, as a matter of fact, most people that are gay, when they meet someone of the same sex that is gay, the first thing in their mind isn't, 'ooh, they are hot, I want to have sex with them'. - Notice I said most, some people though, that IS the first thing in their mind. Anyway, my point is, this is your life, and although some of you said that you may decide to live out your life 'straight', you can't change who you are, though you can fake it, marry a women, have kids, you will still never truly be happy, and you will still have thoughts about the same sex.” - Jason

"When should I tell people?"

The first difficult thing for you to deal with is realising and accepting for yourself that you're gay or bi. Once you know - you might want other people to know, as well. But this should be something that happens in your own time, when you feel ready.

“I've told three friends that I'm gay, but one of them told a few more people. It took some serious talking to clear that one up, he doesn't understand that I'm not ready to tell the whole freaking school that I'm gay... I mean what 15 year old would want to tell a whole year group of mostly straight homophobes!” - Phil

If you know that you're gay, and no-one else knows, it can be really difficult. Some parts of the world are less accepting of gay people than others are, and so are some families. This means that many gay people grow up with their friends and families thinking that they're straight - and the pressure of keeping your sexuality a secret can get really stressful.

“Finally, I could no longer take it, and decided I needed to tell my family on my twenty-first birthday. But that day came and went just like any other. I wasn't able to bring myself to tell what I thought was such an awful secret.” - Dave

But if you're not ready, you don't have to tell anyone - there's always plenty of time in the future, if you don't want to do it now.

“If you're not ready, you don't have to tell anyone - there's always plenty of time in the future, if you don't want to do it now.”

“I do plan on coming out, just not yet. I'd rather wait until I'm comfortable. Wait 'til you're ready. Don't feel pressured to come out right away or even at all! After all, one of the last things you want is to lose a friend or distance yourself with a family member. Or even worse, if you're young like I am you may find that you really are just going through a phase and you find out that you're not gay after you've told everyone and their mother that you are.” - Graeme

Sometimes, the feelings of having a secret and not being able to tell people about it can really build up inside. Working out your sexuality can be a difficult process, and these things are usually easier to deal with if you've got someone to talk to. The process of telling people that you're gay or bisexual is known as 'coming out'.

“When I was 19 I could no longer keep it to myself, I told my brother and sister in-law who have a few gay friends and they were like 'hey it's no big deal' they love me for who I am and I love spending time with them. Now I'm 20 and I need to tell my parents, although I don't know if I'll ever be able to.” - Chris

There are no right or wrong ways to come out to people, and you should only do it when you're ready. It can be really scary telling people if you're not sure how they're going to react - especially your family. Often the hardest people to tell are your parents. But you can make it easier for them and for you by waiting until you're sure you're ready. If you do decide to come out to them, choose a good time to tell them, too - they might need to have some space to think about what you've told them, so a really busy time like Thanksgiving or Christmas might not be best! Some teens find it easier to write their parents a note or a letter.

“Telling my friends was the easy part - not fun - but they have all been okay with it. Telling my mum was hard but do-able, but telling my dad was just impossible. I spent ages agonizing about it and worrying and thinking about letters or just blurting it out, but in the end I realized the easiest thing was not to tell him at all but get someone else to do it for me.

“I know not everyone has someone willing or able to do this for them but I got my brother to do it for me - and instead of the really negative reaction I expected from my dad nothing has changed. Coming out doesn't have to be on someone else's terms. If you need to, then be manipulative - not nastily - but just doing things in a way so that people will react better to them.

“I thought my dad would be really pissed off but because my brother told him he had space and time to think it over and decide how he was going to react he wasn't that bad. I'm not saying this would work for everyone, but if you think about it, there are ways of softening the blow - or even taking away the sting altogether.” - Hugo

Many people find that the best thing to do is to tell just one or two people first, people who they really trust.

“When I first got away from my old school, I emailed all of my friends. I told them all I was gay. Not surprisingly, 2 of them said it was wrong and gross. I wasn't that close to them anyway. The others supported me, told me that kind of figured it out on their own, and wished I would have told them before. I was in shock. I made my first huge step in the direction of being myself.” - Cody

So try to think it through, think what you're going to say, and how they might react. You don't have to tell anyone, unless you want to! If you're starting to realise that you're gay or bi, you'll already have a lot to think about - but don't worry - it's something you can come to feel proud about.

“If you know that you're gay, be proud. Don't let it hold you back. If you're on the fence, that's okay too. But the sooner you're certain what you are and are comfortable with it, the happier you'll be.” - Graeme

"Everyone round here hates gay people. . ."

This sort of prejudice against gay people is called homophobia, and unfortunately, it's quite common in some parts of the world.

“Because I live in a small town which is mainly homophobic I wasn't the most popular guy around. I kept myself to myself so I got the grief of being bullied. I twice nearly killed myself cos of the bullying.” - Gary

Sadly, many people use religion as an excuse to be homophobic. There's sometimes nothing you can say that will change some people - try not to let it get to you too much. And if people in your area are making life difficult for you, try to just stick with any friends who are on your side. You don't have to stay in the area when you're older - there are many parts of the world that are much more tolerant.

“I do believe that I was born with my homosexuality, and I'm fine with that! A lot of people think being gay or lesbian is a sin, and we will go to hell for it, but this is how I look at it... God makes everyone right? God made me, God made you, God made and continues to make everyone. Therefore if God made me gay, because this isn't some DECISION that I made up one day, then this is how I am suppose to live, and die; and I am proud to be gay.” - Jason

If you've been brought up to think that gay people are bad in some way, or that there's something wrong with them, this can make it really hard for you if you realise that you, too, are one of these dreaded gay people... but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It can make you think again about your prejudices and wonder whether people who say negative stuff about gay men and lesbians are wrong, after all.

“I used to think being gay was terrible, but I have come to see that while it offers many challenges, it still offers much opportunity and hope. It also gives me a different perspective on things, and overall, I believe it has made me a better person. I wouldn't change that aspect about myself for the world.” - Dave

Who is Gay?

Am I gay?

Sexuality can be confusing

Many people feel attracted to people of the same sex, and wonder whether this means that they are gay. For some people these feelings can be very intense and alienating. Some people who ask themselves the question "am I gay?" are indeed gay, and go on to have gay sexual relationships. But other people find that these feelings change over time.

Some people are bisexual, meaning they are attracted to both men and women, and have relationships with both. Some people are not attracted to anyone and wonder if this is a sign that they are gay. Often it is only time that will resolve these uncertainties.

When do people know that they are gay?

There is no simple answer to this question, as it varies from person to person. Deciding you are gay often happens gradually, it may not be something you can initially put a name to, and it can feel very confusing.

During research carried out with young gay men in the UK,¹ the men interviewed described a set of feelings which they gradually realised made them 'different' in some way, feelings they thought maybe every teenage boy has.

“I thought, well, this is just the phase bit. Sooner or later I'm going to start finding women attractive. I never did. As I became more attracted to men, and I still wasn't getting attracted to women, I thought, shit, you're gay. And it was really quite a shock when it hit me.”Luke

With time, someone who is gay will realise that not only are they sexually attracted to members of the same sex, but that this attraction is not transitional. This realisation could come at any time during their lives. Many people become aware of gay feelings during their teenage years, as this is when they begin to learn more about their sexuality and identity.^{2 3} However, the difficulties associated with accepting these feelings and coming out mean that many gay people don't identify themselves as gay until much later on in life.⁴

After college I spent nearly 15 years trying to deny to myself who I was...a gay man. Finally, at age 38 I began to accept the fact that I was gay."⁵

Is being gay a phase young people go through?

For some people yes, and for others no.

Some people do not have their first homosexual feelings or experience until they are well into adulthood. In a survey on sexual feelings carried out in Britain, nearly the same number of women reported that their first homosexual experience had happened in their twenties as did in their thirties, forties or fifties.⁶

There is evidence that for some people homosexual experiences are part of a transitional or experimental phase in their youth. This is hardly surprising given that adolescence is a period of change in which many people find who they are and what they want for themselves in adult life. This kind of behaviour is perfectly normal.⁷

Are you born gay? What causes people to be gay?

There is no simple answer to the question, 'Are some people born lesbian or gay?' There are some theories that stress biological differences between heterosexual and homosexual adults, suggesting that people are born with their sexuality already determined.

Are people born gay or choose to be gay?

The American researcher Dean Hamer published research that seemed to prove that homosexual orientation could be genetically transmitted to men on the x chromosome, which they get from their mothers. However when this study was duplicated it did not produce the same results. A follow-up study which Hamer collaborated on also failed to reinforce his earlier results.⁸

Subsequent research published by George Rice and George Ebers of the Universty of Western Ontario has cast doubt on Hamer's theory. Rice and Ebers' research also tested the same region of the x chromosome in a larger sample of gay men, but failed to find the same 'marker' that Hamer's research had found.⁹ Claims that the part of the brain known as the hypothalamus is influential in determining sexual orientation, have yet to be substantiated.¹⁰ It is generally thought that biological explanations of sexuality are insufficient to explain the diversity of human sexuality.^{11 12}

“How can science tell you what I am? I mean I've had boyfriends, and was happy with them, had girlfriends and may have boyfriends again for all I know. If it's a gay gene what's going on? Is it just turning itself on and off in my head? It doesn't feel like biology it feels like love.”Jo

Psycho-social explanations offer a variety of factors that could contribute to the development of a person's homosexuality. For example, a female dominated upbringing in a gay man's past, with an absence of a male role model. Others stress adherence or deviance from conformity to gender roles, and individual psychological makeup.¹³ While none of these factors alone completely answers the question 'what causes homosexuality?', they rule out some things. For example, lesbian and gay young people are not 'failed' heterosexuals. Also, homosexual partners are generally of the same age proving wrong the assumptions that young people are 'turned gay' by older people.

What is clear is that people's behaviour is influenced by their family environment, their experiences and their sense of themselves. Beliefs about sex are initially shaped by family values. Later on these beliefs may be shaped by pleasant and unpleasant experiences of sex and also shape their choice of activities and partners. Throughout their life a person's sense of who and what they are has a strong impact on their sexual development and experience.

Can you stop being gay?

There is now growing general support for the belief that sexuality is pre-determined, though may change over time. However, many people are interested in whether sexuality can be altered solely by a person's desire to change. Organisations that help homosexuals attempt to change their sexuality can be generally divided between those that use psychological 'reparative' methods and those that use religious 'healing' methods.

Some people believe homosexuality is an illness and believe it can and should be cured. Many of these 'cures' revolve around psychological therapies (often called reparative therapy) which endeavour to re-orient a homosexual sexuality to heterosexual. Although there is little scientific data to evaluate, what is available seems to indicate that reparative therapy is ineffective.¹⁴ The American Psychological Association (APA), the world's largest association of psychologists has stated that:

“Homosexuality is not a mental disorder and the APA opposes all portrayals of lesbian, gay and bisexual people as mentally ill and in need of treatment due to their sexual orientation.”¹⁵

Some strongly religious groups believe that homosexuality is sinful and is in direct breach of the bible and other religious texts. As with reparative therapy there has been little to no scientific evaluation of the healing and prayer techniques used. What evidence is available suggests that the success of these techniques is restricted to three areas:

• Convincing bisexuals to limit their sexual activities to members of the opposite sex.
• Convincing homosexuals to become celibate.
• Convincing gay men and lesbians to attempt to maintain heterosexual relationships, whilst retaining their homosexual orientation.

Tellingly, two founders of a ministry established to 'heal' homosexuals later described their programme as 'ineffective ... not one person was healed'.¹⁶

The subject of 'curing' homosexuality became a politically charged debate in America, with Christian political organisations promoting the theory that homosexuality can be changed through force of will alone. They claim that 'thousands are leaving their homosexual identity for sexual celibacy, and even marriage'.¹⁷

Alternatively, gay and lesbian rights organisations would argue that these views misunderstand what it means to be gay, and amount to discrimination against gay and lesbian people. Furthermore, the American Psychological Association has carried out a systematic review, which not only concludes that psychological interventions are not effective at changing sexual orientation, but they can also cause significant harm

Cant Take that Away

They can say
anything they want to say
try to bring me down
But I will not allow
anyone to succeed
hanging clouds over me
And they can try
Hard to make me feel that I
Don't matter at all
But I refuse to falter in what I believe
or lose faith in my dreams

Cause there's
There's a light in me
That shines brightly.
They can try,
but they can't take that away from me.

Oh, they
They can do, anything they want, to you.
If you let them in.
But they won't ever win,
if you cling to your pride and just push them aside.
See I, I have learned
There's an inner peace I own.
Something in my soul,
that they cannot possess.
So I won't be afraid,
and the darkness will fade.

Cause there's,
there's a light in me.
That shines, brightly. yes
They can try, but they can't take that away from me.

No, they can't take this,
precious love I'll always have inside me.
Certainly the lord will guide me,
where I need to go.

Oh, oh, they can say.
Anything they want to say.
Try to bring me down.
But I won't face the ground,
I will rise steadily,
sailing out of their reach.
Oh lord, they do try.
Hard to make me feel, that I.
Don't matter at all.
But I refuse to falter,
in what I believe or loose faith in my dreams.
Cause there's, theres a light in me.
That shines, brightly.....yes

They can try, but they can't take that away from me.
From me....